Where Did Our Love Go?

It has become impossible not to see the fact that he is angry and miserable most of the time. His unhappiness is tangible in our house and leaves my children and I shaken and uncomfortable after an encounter. The things needed for him to be happy include several things which, apparently, he does not get here with me. Some of the things he has mentioned (very bitterly) that he needs but will never have here: a "normal life," vacations, a trip to Italy, fewer / no dogs living in our house, fewer / no kids living in our house (referring, naturally, to MY kids), "friends" (apparently he feels as isolated and friendless as he did in his previous marriage?), no toys in our living space, owning his own business where he is a photographer as opposed to working for someone else, etc.

Apparently the life that we lead, the life that he once claimed was everything he ever dreamed of, no longer "floats his boat" or makes him happy. His actions and moods tell me that it does the exact opposite. I'm not sure when this changed or if he's even partly happy here anymore. I do know that I'm past the point in my life where I'm willing to bend and twist to try to placate someone who's only nice to one person in the house anyway. My happiness is just as important as his, and to be honest, his anger, bitterness, and mean comments are wearing me down and really pissing me off. I don't deserve this shit at this point in my life, esp when I work so hard to try give this entire family a decent life.

Damn Paks

When I re-met K I was so thrilled to realize that I had at last found my missing half; my truly perfect mate. He raved about how we and our union were meant to be; how we'd always been meant to be.  At our wedding we explained to God and our families that we were just completing a story that had been started 30 years prior; a beautiful love story that had waited so many years to be finished.  My children, resplendent and sweating in their wedding finery, stood in the summer sun and beamed at us as our vows were taken and the ceremony was finalized.  It truly was a lovely day.

Fast forward to the future,  many realities later.  I have since made the rather bitter discovery that I did not get the "Bride and Groom Eternity Pak" with K as I thought I was getting.  I did not understand when I met K that he was already part of a pak that cannot be split or separated.  K and E are the stars of the "Father and Son Team Pak."  They belong together exclusively.  Thus, alas, I am not the key player in K's life that every wife dreams of being. I am "Accessory Wife Pak 6A."  I can be used in conjunction with K and E Team Pak, but I cannot replace E.   

I know that K loves me.   I do not question that.  But after a year I have come to see that the majority of his attention, focus, and dedication are not mine.  I don't know that they will ever be.  E will always be his main priority. In addition to my Wife accessory pak, K has 2 additional accessory paks in his life- "Rock/Blues Guitar" and "Photography Fun."  I have always outranked the guitar pak, but the photography pak has been kicking my ass for months, relegating me at times to 3rd place in K's life.

Am I sad?  Yes, because I want my marriage to be closer, more emotionally intimate, and stronger than this.  I am angry and hurt inside a great deal of the time and that is wearing me down.  I feel I must be very boring and deficient for my "better half" to PREFER to spend the majority of his time with his 17 year old son and his photography hobby.  I SHOULD NOT HAVE TO ASK FOR HIS TIME WITH ME.  THAT SHOULD BE MINE WITHOUT REQUEST.  I spend time with my children, whom I adore, but my children do not fill the spot in my heart that cries for my husband.  It worries me that E and Photoshop seem to fulfill K's every need.  That is rather scary to me. 

Am I bitter?  Well, I am definitely headed in that direction.  Marriage should be based upon us, period.  I do not feel there is enough "us" at this point to support this marriage.  Our only together time is in our room at bedtime and the next morning.  He comes to bed later and later in the evening, and gets out of bed long before I am fully awake in the morning.

I sometimes wonder what our life together would be like without E (if, please God, he actually matures, grows up, and leaves this house).  I also wonder what it would have been like had I wound up in a "Bride and Groom Eternity Pak" with K.  I feel I deserve to fully and exclusively adored, despite children, hobbies, and any other distractions life throws in our path.  I DESERVE THAT.  I deserve to be talked to in Wal-Mart and treated like a paying partner (as I am),  instead of being ignored while E spews a 2 hour political/sport/enterntainment rant that purposely excludes me as a means to monopoloze his father's attention. 

This is why people cheat.  This sad, empty, aching feeling in their heart that eats at them and makes them question their worth.  It makes them remember what real love is like - holding hands, walks, quiet times alone, sharing, intimacy, the feeling that it is you and that person and nothing else matters - before all that was lost.  Being in the dark ugly and looking back at it is so painful, they just want a way to recapture it.  So, so sad.

WFE

Go ahead and bark at me, you grouchy jackass.  Guess what??  You can handle your withdrawn, unwashed, hostile kid all by yourself.  Looks like suddenly he isn't as "perfect" as you've always claimed he is.  Newsflash, dad - he never was.  NONE OF THEM ARE.  They're all kids, NOT adults.  They're all quirky and screwed up in their own ways.  Yours is arrogant, opinionated, bossy, and sometimes cruel.  He is lacking in social skills, bad at making friends, and horrible with girls. So, not perfect, yet still nearly flawless in your eyes.

His latest escapade - a fantasy relationship (and I use the term loosely) with a 22 year old in WA has left him withdrawn, mean, and profoundly depressed.  He so obviously is in crisis and so urgently in need of intervention.  Yet day after day you spin your wheels, unable to face the obvious, horrified that this perfect child of yours is so obviously human and imperfect after all.  You seem almost angry as you struggle to come to terms with this.  I have mentioned therapy to you over and over.  "But he WON't KNOW THAT PERSON!"  you blurted yesterday, as if E would be the first 17 year old ever to enter therapy; as if the secrets of his mind are so precious and secret that they are unable to be shared with a stranger.  Ridiculous, appalling.  I mentioned that he had not showered in 5 days and was sharply rebuked.  I mentioned that he semed hostile and was again rebuked.  Fuck it, I thought.  You know everything . . . deal with this yourself.

So . . . today I did not interject my words, advice, or opinion.  I did not even acknowledge that this odd child was barricaded in his room and refuses now to leave even for meals.  K was very tense and edgey all day; quick to snap, and exceedingly frustrated when E refused to eat his meals downstairs.

In bed tonight I observed that it would be very boring to not leave the same room for days on end.  K immediately lashed out, saying harshly that he would not discuss Eric with me.  Okay.  Fine, grouch.  Then you're on your own.  You just keep sticking that misquided head in the sand, foolishly hoping that this situation is going to turn around on its own, and that one day the old Eric is going to come downstairs and commandeer the entire family room, TV, dinner conversation, and DVR just like he used to.  Yeah, okay.  Don't hold your breath.  But I'm outta this and Super Dad and Son will figure it out together, on their own.

Sad

I don't understand why so many bad, awful, horrible things happen to my family.  We constantly struggle so much.  It's not merely a "glass half full" type of thing . . . anyone who knows us realizes that our bad luck is pervasive and unusually horrible.  Seriously.  "God doesn't give you more than you can take."  Yeah, right.  Piss on that stupid saying.  That was created by someone has never existed in a shit storm.

Look.  Seriously.  I am grateful for the good in my life / our lives.  We have family strength and love, jobs, and faith, and many good things.  I recognize that and am grateful.  I also realize that the bad that we have could be much worse, and I am so happy that the bad ISN'T worse.  But still, enough.  Enough!!!!  Enough legal nightmares, brain tumors, mental illness, work issues, financial stress, marital struggles, emotional pain, etc., etc., ETC.  enough.  Pleasee, please - give us a break.  Just a break.  Let their be some optimism and light, happiness, and sense that "wow, life is good!"  We all need that, esp. right now.  We are all dragging so badly.

Good-bye, sweet baby Finnley.  I love you.  We would have welcomed you into our family with open arms (even those who currently rejected you would have come around eventually).  Rest happily in heaven until you can come back to us.  XOXOXOXOXOXOXOXO

Older Thoughts

08/29/11  I love you but you are so stupid. SO STUPID. You took advantage without even caring what you were doing. When I was so upset you acted so cold and callous, as if I only had a right to be upset for 48 hrs then my time was up. After 60 hours came you acted as if I was just an irritant to you. Dumb, dumb, dumb. I trusted you so much. You were going to be the one I shared everything with; the one I trusted with my whole heart. Just like in high school, I thought we would be "perfect;" just like in high school you blindsided me and let me down. Stupid, stupid fucking you, and stupid me for trusting you so completely. My hopes and trust are dashed; my plans are melted like stinking rubber in the sun.   You set inmotion a whole process and you are too stupid too know.  Stupid, stupid boy.

Now, in the light of day, I am anxious and depressed. All I have ever wanted is for things to be good between us. I felt so much promise and power and love there with him, from the very start. He has always said that he felt the same. I don't understand then why he did such a stupid thing and why he lies about part of it now. Why am I doomed to be with men who feel the need to talk to other women and then lie about it?? Why arent I enough?

09/01/11   As upsetting as this stuff with Eric is, it's rather gratifying to see K FINALLY having to step up the plate and be a father rather than a friend. He should have been doing this all along but was too busy wearing the friend hat and the kid gloves. On the other hand, it's pretty fucking sucky that all this happened at the same time as Kurt's stupid indiscretion. So much for any make up or extra attention (not that I would have gotten any anyway). It might have been nice to have a nice dinner out or a movie or something. But no; last weekend was all about coddling Eric and hovering around Eric. Me and my needs and my hurt feelings were a very distant second. Eh, fuck it. We'll just add it to the resentment list and move on.

Trying Day

09/05/11 

Maybe we aren't as compatible as we thought.  Perhaps because of his miserable, solitary 17 years before me, or because of some inner need he has to do his own thing at his own solitary pace, maybe I am not the woman he needs.  I am not so needy that I want / need to be attached to his hip, but the way he chooses to be alone 75% of the time has gotten so old the past 2-3 years.  It is the oldest issue we have.   Something inside me has always wanted to yell "This isn't what we promised each other!!" 

Don't misunderstand - I  know that he loves me.  This isn't about love, or lack of love.  This is about togetherness and closeness and lack of both.  I need them and he just doesn't need much of both.  I sometimes feel so empty and alone inside, but it seems that he does not.  That has made finding his communication with another woman even more painful.  How dare he share himself and his time with another woman when I already feel so short-changed?  How dare he email her when I never get his emails anymore?  How dare that bitch talk about funny jokes he sends her when he NEVER send  me funny jokes??  My friend Donna complains that her husband follows her everywhere, wanting to be where she is, trying to trying to be "in her business."  How lucky she is!  I would feel so lucky and loved to have that kind of attention and interest.  Being treated like I am this boring and uninteresting makes me  feel so very ugly and worthless. 

What to do?  I don't think he will ever change, no matter how much I beg, nag, or pray.  I will try to keep busy with other things and ignore this void inside.  I will also fight the inevitable human drive to fill the the void the natural way.  I will keep going as best and as long as I can.  This is exactly why things went south in 1981.