When I re-met K I was so thrilled to realize that I had at last found my missing half; my truly perfect mate. He raved about how we and our union were meant to be; how we'd always been meant to be. At our wedding we explained to God and our families that we were just completing a story that had been started 30 years prior; a beautiful love story that had waited so many years to be finished. My children, resplendent and sweating in their wedding finery, stood in the summer sun and beamed at us as our vows were taken and the ceremony was finalized. It truly was a lovely day.
Fast forward to the future, many realities later. I have since made the rather bitter discovery that I did not get the "Bride and Groom Eternity Pak" with K as I thought I was getting. I did not understand when I met K that he was already part of a pak that cannot be split or separated. K and E are the stars of the "Father and Son Team Pak." They belong together exclusively. Thus, alas, I am not the key player in K's life that every wife dreams of being. I am "Accessory Wife Pak 6A." I can be used in conjunction with K and E Team Pak, but I cannot replace E.
I know that K loves me. I do not question that. But after a year I have come to see that the majority of his attention, focus, and dedication are not mine. I don't know that they will ever be. E will always be his main priority. In addition to my Wife accessory pak, K has 2 additional accessory paks in his life- "Rock/Blues Guitar" and "Photography Fun." I have always outranked the guitar pak, but the photography pak has been kicking my ass for months, relegating me at times to 3rd place in K's life.
Am I sad? Yes, because I want my marriage to be closer, more emotionally intimate, and stronger than this. I am angry and hurt inside a great deal of the time and that is wearing me down. I feel I must be very boring and deficient for my "better half" to PREFER to spend the majority of his time with his 17 year old son and his photography hobby. I SHOULD NOT HAVE TO ASK FOR HIS TIME WITH ME. THAT SHOULD BE MINE WITHOUT REQUEST. I spend time with my children, whom I adore, but my children do not fill the spot in my heart that cries for my husband. It worries me that E and Photoshop seem to fulfill K's every need. That is rather scary to me.
Am I bitter? Well, I am definitely headed in that direction. Marriage should be based upon us, period. I do not feel there is enough "us" at this point to support this marriage. Our only together time is in our room at bedtime and the next morning. He comes to bed later and later in the evening, and gets out of bed long before I am fully awake in the morning.
I sometimes wonder what our life together would be like without E (if, please God, he actually matures, grows up, and leaves this house). I also wonder what it would have been like had I wound up in a "Bride and Groom Eternity Pak" with K. I feel I deserve to fully and exclusively adored, despite children, hobbies, and any other distractions life throws in our path. I DESERVE THAT. I deserve to be talked to in Wal-Mart and treated like a paying partner (as I am), instead of being ignored while E spews a 2 hour political/sport/enterntainment rant that purposely excludes me as a means to monopoloze his father's attention.
This is why people cheat. This sad, empty, aching feeling in their heart that eats at them and makes them question their worth. It makes them remember what real love is like - holding hands, walks, quiet times alone, sharing, intimacy, the feeling that it is you and that person and nothing else matters - before all that was lost. Being in the dark ugly and looking back at it is so painful, they just want a way to recapture it. So, so sad.
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