Older Thoughts

08/29/11  I love you but you are so stupid. SO STUPID. You took advantage without even caring what you were doing. When I was so upset you acted so cold and callous, as if I only had a right to be upset for 48 hrs then my time was up. After 60 hours came you acted as if I was just an irritant to you. Dumb, dumb, dumb. I trusted you so much. You were going to be the one I shared everything with; the one I trusted with my whole heart. Just like in high school, I thought we would be "perfect;" just like in high school you blindsided me and let me down. Stupid, stupid fucking you, and stupid me for trusting you so completely. My hopes and trust are dashed; my plans are melted like stinking rubber in the sun.   You set inmotion a whole process and you are too stupid too know.  Stupid, stupid boy.

Now, in the light of day, I am anxious and depressed. All I have ever wanted is for things to be good between us. I felt so much promise and power and love there with him, from the very start. He has always said that he felt the same. I don't understand then why he did such a stupid thing and why he lies about part of it now. Why am I doomed to be with men who feel the need to talk to other women and then lie about it?? Why arent I enough?

09/01/11   As upsetting as this stuff with Eric is, it's rather gratifying to see K FINALLY having to step up the plate and be a father rather than a friend. He should have been doing this all along but was too busy wearing the friend hat and the kid gloves. On the other hand, it's pretty fucking sucky that all this happened at the same time as Kurt's stupid indiscretion. So much for any make up or extra attention (not that I would have gotten any anyway). It might have been nice to have a nice dinner out or a movie or something. But no; last weekend was all about coddling Eric and hovering around Eric. Me and my needs and my hurt feelings were a very distant second. Eh, fuck it. We'll just add it to the resentment list and move on.