Trying Day

09/05/11 

Maybe we aren't as compatible as we thought.  Perhaps because of his miserable, solitary 17 years before me, or because of some inner need he has to do his own thing at his own solitary pace, maybe I am not the woman he needs.  I am not so needy that I want / need to be attached to his hip, but the way he chooses to be alone 75% of the time has gotten so old the past 2-3 years.  It is the oldest issue we have.   Something inside me has always wanted to yell "This isn't what we promised each other!!" 

Don't misunderstand - I  know that he loves me.  This isn't about love, or lack of love.  This is about togetherness and closeness and lack of both.  I need them and he just doesn't need much of both.  I sometimes feel so empty and alone inside, but it seems that he does not.  That has made finding his communication with another woman even more painful.  How dare he share himself and his time with another woman when I already feel so short-changed?  How dare he email her when I never get his emails anymore?  How dare that bitch talk about funny jokes he sends her when he NEVER send  me funny jokes??  My friend Donna complains that her husband follows her everywhere, wanting to be where she is, trying to trying to be "in her business."  How lucky she is!  I would feel so lucky and loved to have that kind of attention and interest.  Being treated like I am this boring and uninteresting makes me  feel so very ugly and worthless. 

What to do?  I don't think he will ever change, no matter how much I beg, nag, or pray.  I will try to keep busy with other things and ignore this void inside.  I will also fight the inevitable human drive to fill the the void the natural way.  I will keep going as best and as long as I can.  This is exactly why things went south in 1981.